duty at pay

yesterday was an experience. i had my first near-death experience... it was my patients'. not mine.

8:07 am
W.S., 43y/o G5P3(2012) admitted for the first time in our institution with a chief complaint of dyspnea.

when she came in, i was the one who took her history. she was a very nice lady who really had no idea what she had. she was already having irregular contractions, thus, beginning labor. but being in beginning labor was not her only problem. the fact that she had diffuse toxic goiter and starting to have congestive heart failure made her pregnancy more risky both for the mother and the fetus. she already had 2 pillow orthopnea.

12:44 pm
she was transfused with packed RBC because her hemoglobin was only 86 and hematocrit was 23. furosemide was also given because of signs of water retention. she was apparently fine until...

5:35 pm
CVP was requested. while undergoing CVP, patient suddenly had sudden shortness of breath and preferred sitting up. a few minutes later, patient was in severe respiratory distress. patient was then given endotracheal intubation and ambubag was started. fetal heart tone decreased from 140s to 100s.

7:08 pm
emergency CS was done. patient gave birth to a live baby girl, 35-36 weeks age of gestation with an apgar score of 3(due to anesthesia). patient was then admitted to medicine and brought to the ICU.

although some information are missing, this would be how the course in the ward would go. what wouldn't be included would be, while the patient was having respiratory distress, she was hugging me and calling out my name, asking for my help that i couldn't give because i was just a clerk. i stepped out of the way and let all the residents do what they had to do. i felt so afraid for her. before that, i was holding her hand everytime an invasive procedure had to be done but during that moment, i couldn't. after the trans out to the ICU, i slept. i didn't want to think about it anymore. i didn't want to let it bother me. unlike some of the residents, i was still an emotional doctor.

today, i'm still thinking if i want to ditch school tom. i desperately need a break. and i definitely want to hang out with other people. i rarely see anyone other than my group anymore. being a doctor is tough. it's like living in a separate world. we don't know what's happening outside anymore. i feel like a stranger from another planet whenever i come home to my family. nothing seems to be rewarding anymore and everyday, coming to work is like torture. i almost feel like crying everyday.

medicine is not for the weak at heart. i'm starting to realize that i might be weak. just a few more moments like these.